How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
