I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
