She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
