that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
