you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
