i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I have fence marks all over my body
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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