I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
