Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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