i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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