I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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