her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Found the puke drawer
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
