Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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