it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
