What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
