Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
