and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
