two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
