got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
