I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come share oat with me in your robe
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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