I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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