I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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