Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
