I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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