Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
