discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
