The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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