My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
