Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
