and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
