dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize