I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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