whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
