Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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