As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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