Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
