she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
