only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
