No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
