You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm like, not good at living.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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