I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
