If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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