So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
