So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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