You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he was CRYING into my vagina
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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