oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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