i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
