Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
