hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
