I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
