I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
