Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
