My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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