I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
