Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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