I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
