Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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