I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
